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The Struggle Is Real

Most of you are familiar with my story. If not, please go to the “About Us” page of this site, scroll down and watch the video at the bottom of the page. The short version is, depression sucks and I have been battling with it for a long time.

I was around 12 when it first started affecting me. Logically, that means it is hormone related. But it hits me more often than just when my hormones are out of whack. The weather is definitely a trigger. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what brings it on. It’s just so frustrating when I feel hopeless and sad and exhausted and there is absolutely nothing wrong. I actually get mad at myself for wasting what should be happy time with being miserable.

I have been successfully keeping the depression at bay with exercise and diet for the last two years. Of course I still had times where I was sad or feeling blue. But on the whole I was doing really well.

The past few weeks though have been Hell for me. We had practically three straight weeks of rain and cold and gloom and it just got to me. I didn’t want to do anything but lie in bed. I did get up and do things because I had to, but I was not fully present. I felt horrible because I knew I wasn’t giving 100% to my family, my friends or my business. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and retreated into my own head.

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Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment with my new doctor. I had scheduled an appointment with my old doctor a few weeks back. When I showed up for my appointment I was informed that when my insurance company switched my plan for no reason other than they felt like it……they gave me a new plan that my old doctor’s office does not accept. Thanks for that!

I went to my appointment and told the doctor that I was having trouble managing my depression. As is customary now, she called in a script for an antidepressant for me.

I have mixed feelings about it. I have always made it clear that I am not anti-medication. I think some people need antidepressants and they should definitely take them. I have just fought so hard to not need them. It made me feel even worse that I am in the position that I am. Even though I know I have done nothing to cause the depression, I had fallen off track with my journaling and nutrition. To be perfectly honest, even though I’ve been working out every day I have not always given that my best either. It all adds up.

I went to the pharmacy to pick it up and had to talk to the pharmacist. I guess the cashier can’t hand me my Lexapro, the pharmacist has to. He asked if I had any questions and I started to ask about the side effects. He cut me off and said “You take one a day. Be careful with them in your car. No questions? Good.” and walked away. I just stood there with my mouth open for a second and then walked away.

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This morning I woke up and started looking over the information. I Googled a little to see what kinds of experiences people have had with it. At the end of my research I decided I’m terrified of it. When I took antidepressants before I lost myself. While this is a diffreent kind and there is no guarantee that it would happen again, in this moment, I have decided to not start them.

That being said, if I up my exercise regimen and start eating the way I should again (I have not been making good choices all the time lately and it’s starting to catch up with me) I may decide that I do want to take them. Right now though, I don’t think I’m ready. I have been exploring different schools of healing and am going to give them a try first.

This is an ongoing process. I wish those of us who have been chosen for whatever reason to have depression could catch it for a couple days and then it’s gone. Like a cold. But it’s an every day struggle and I am determined to stay ahead of it. Not only for my family and friends, but for me. I’m worth it!

If you are struggling with depression please talk to someone. Don’t keep it locked up inside. Find a way to ease the pain whether it’s antidepressants that your doctor has prescribed, exercise, writing….whatever. As long as it’s healthy. Take care of yourself!

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